Car School Almost Gets Gumby

It is time to take a little break from bike school discussions. It may not be well known, but just as people that think they know how to ride a bike go to bike school, people that think they know how to motor go to car school. This morning, I made a pilgrimage to bring y'all secret spy shots of a motoring CAR SCHOOL in action. Since it seems that some people on bikes are sure motorists are out to get them, I focused on actions that might support their contention. Specially, I took a look at parking lot drills, and especially dooring practice, debris creation, and what, in less scrupulous hands, might look like a photo of Gumby about to be run down.

Without further ado, here is the story. I elected to write my story about the local Jaguar Club event. They call it a "Concours d'Elegance," but it really serves the multiple purposes of giving them practice opening their doors, arranging debris, and encouraging self loathing (it is an event where you PAY people to tell you how lousy your car is). Some say this fosters road rage, but I haven't ever seen a connection myself. Perhaps it is a motoring version of one of the cycling myths I occasionally talk about.

When the motorists arrive, they are checked out to ensure the cars meet minimal standards. This is called a "mechanical check." In the photo below, you can see a Jaguar XJS being checked out. Its motorist is asked by the mechanical judge to put her cell phone aside and do things like prove her horn and lights work properly. Contrary to what some believe, the motorist is NOT encouraged to yell at the judge to "get off the road," though I have read the rules very carefully and there is not any actual deduction established for yelling at a judge or even for running one over. As when dealing with a real judge, it seems most motorists err on the side of being nice to the judge. You might wonder about the ambulance in the background. It is possible the driver was merely interested in watching the car show. However, my own theory was that it was there in case any of the Jaguars with a V12 engine suddenly burst into flames. None actually did so while I was there, or I'd have included it with these pictures.

I did Not See Any Motorists Yell at the Pedestrian Judge. Lots of Smiling.

As you can see, some of the motorists don't have the dooring concept down properly. This Jaguar Mark 9 owner only had his door open on the curb side. Chatting with the owner, he got that Jaguar on the roof at a garage sale for $2. It keeps watch in case any show judges are lurking around nearby. The cone is near the boundary of the street side door zone if he'd wanted to open the door on that side. For those that have never seen one of these cars, they are very much like the Mark 8 car that is featured in the old Hitchcock film; "Vertigo," which starred Jimmy Stewart.

Big Cat Keeps Watch on Top of Another Big Cat

Other motorists elected to try all ways to get those doors out in the breeze. The blue car is a Mark 2. The Mark 2 was a more compact model than the Mark 9. In the UK, they were much favored by getaway drivers.

This Door Opening Strategy Would Catch a Cyclist on EITHER Side.

Some of the motorists adopted an entirely different approach. The owner of this XK140 didn't have any doors open at all. Instead, the debris, cleverly disguised as trunk contents and cleaning supplies, would be SURE to entrap any cyclist venturing too close to the left hand side of the car.

1955 Jaguar XK140

Now, some people on bikes like to ride closer to cars than would be prudent if a door actually opened. Perhaps they imagine all cars have tiny doors like the 1968 Jaguar E type Open Two Seater in the photo below. My own E type is a coupe version of the same car, though mine, being a year earlier has covered headlights, more power, and a tiny ding in the bonnet where a bike crashed into it. THAT will be a story saved for another day. Not that I pay any attention to such things, but I'd say that Jaguar looks an awful lot like it is painted Silver Opalescent Blue.

Notice How Visible The Spectator in Green is, Even Though She is Not in the Foreground

Some motorists decided to team up and have a whole ROW of open doors. Somehow, I think this tactic would not be very effective at snaring even a dumb person on a bike. I also think these guys lowered their chances by parking on the left side of the street. Even in North Texas, the majority of people on bikes ride on the RIGHT side of the road. Perhaps they were trying to remind the cars they originally came from the UK. It didn't occur to me to do an in depth interview on this phenomenon until after I got home.

Unlike Toyotas, Jaguars Seem to Hang Around FOREVER. The Ones on This Row, On Average, Would Be Old Enough to Vote if They Were People

However, completely unexpectedly, I saw a little green man on the pavement. My initial reaction was that, somehow, John Romeo Alpha's Gumby had migrated to Texas. Closer examination revealed that it was nothing more than an action figure that looked somewhat "Gumby like" from a distance. I named it "Almost Gumby."

"Almost Gumby." Smooshed a Little But Unbroken!

Careful perspective and zoom choice created an impression that "Almost Gumby" was about to get creamed by a powerful, late model Jaguar. No doubt, someone trying to sell cycling by scaring people (is that a real good marketing technique?), would claim this car was driven by a raging maniac. In truth, the driver was a very nice lady who was getting coffee before she got down to seriously preparing her car for the judges to tell her how she failed to measure up.

And such is one form of CAR SCHOOL. I have to say, those that tell you all vehicles are the same are NOT telling the truth! Cars really ARE different, and some cars are different than the rest.